Okay … feeling somewhat better. Wrote 8 pages of my 10-page human rights paper due Friday (I’ll do the rest Thursday night), and will be using online journals instead of checked-out books (which isn’t really possible anyway) for my art history paper that I haven’t started yet … due Thursday. But since it’s 5 pages, I should be able to work on it after class tomorrow and then on Thursday morning, so I’m not too worried. Hell, I did 7 frickin’ pages today. It’s gonna be amazing if I get everything turned in on time this week, one reason being I’ve never attempted 15+ pages in 4 days before. And I’m not the only one, Jessica has been freaking out too. Stupid final projects Just gotta keep swimming …

One of my euthanasia books is named after one of the prettiest poems by Walt Whitman. I don’t know if it has a title, but here it is in all its poetic glory:

Come lovely and soothing death,
Undulate round the world, serenely arriving, arriving,
In the day, in the night, to all, to each,
Sooner or later delicate death.

Prais’d be the fathomless universe,
For life and joy, and for objects and knowledge curious,
And for love, sweet love—but praise! praise! praise!
For the sure-enwinding arms of cool-enfolding death.

Dark mother always gliding near with soft feet,
Have none chanted for thee a chant of fullest welcome?
Then I chant for thee, I glorify thee above all,
I bring thee a song that when thou must indeed come, come unfalteringly.

Approach strong deliveress,
When it is so, when thou hast taken them I joyously sing the dead,
Lost in the loving floating ocean of thee,
Laved in the flood of thy bliss O death.

From me to thee glad serenades,
Dances for thee I propose saluting thee, adornments and feastings for thee,
And the sights of the open landscape and the high-spread sky are fitting,
And life and the fields, and the huge and thoughtful night.

The night in silence under many a star,
The ocean shore and the husky whispering wave whose voice I know,
And the soul turning to thee O vast and well-veil’d death,
And the body gratefully nestling close to thee.

Over the tree-tops I float like a song,
Over the rising and sinking waves, over the myriad fields and the prairies wide,
Over the dense-pack’d cities all and the teeming wharves and ways,
I float this carol with joy, with joy to thee O death.

It’s like … I can relax, fall asleep, and go to my happy place forever.

Perfect

Out of nowhere
Like a dream in the night
You held me close
You held me so tight

You kissed me sweetly
And swept me away
Away from the madness
And anger of day

I can’t complain
It feels so right
All my troubles before this
Are now out of sight

My knight in shining armor
I can’t believe this is real
It’s all happened so fast
But I know what I feel

We’ll keep on growing
Forever and a day
‘Cause you’re everything I want
And we’ll be together always

On another note, the IRBs suck. If I don’t pass the test the second time I’m screwed. WTF? They don’t even tell you what score you have to get or what questions you missed. Stupid sociology. I have a test tomorrow, too

A bad, long poem that took me forever to write (like an hour … geez) ’cause I couldn’t think of the right way to say and include all that was on my mind … I dunno if it even makes sense:

First Tears

The night before what I thought
Would be a day to remember back
Everything suddenly changes
With a tear
He says I wouldn’t get it
And I don’t understand
But he told me
That I can’t see what he’s baring
And never had … my heart fell

Wasn’t I the one
That made him happy, loved him
No matter what … and now it’s just a wish
A wish inside a dream
An unattainable division
Of a world I guess I’ve never seen
It’s all been on the inside
And I never knew ’til now

All I could do was try to comfort him
His voice was shaking
But he kept saying
I wouldn’t understand
But my heart ached to make it better
With everything we’ve gone through
I can’t let it go

Only one has gotten close
But not me
I’m too grounded, too much like the rest
Yeah that might help for sanity
But yeah right, it’s more than that
I can’t make it right
I don’t know what to do
Or what to say, to think
Everything I’ve lived for the past year
It wasn’t true
It might have occurred, have existed
But it wasn’t that of his dream

Then just what does matter
Anything at all
It’s all superficial, I haven’t even begun
To search inside
I need to start again
The perfection I thought I knew
Was just an illusion of my hope

My eyes were blurry
He wasn’t the only one to cry
If the dream he can’t have
Is all he wants
Then what is real, and what
Is just pretend … is everything we have
Just a substitute for a vision

I can’t make magic happen
If I could, I’d give him the power
To create his world of bliss
Even if it meant without me
And if I could understand him
I want to try … but if that means
Changing my whole perspective
The way I think … I’m trapped

My head says not to change
But my heart wants more than anything for a partner …
Except not by words, but by true feelings
And if it’s worth it … I’ll try
But could I really reach
His mind … there’s always something
To discover
But if I could
I just wish I could
Be his soul mate … because we’ve come this far
However far it is
But why stop now

In the end there’s the question
If nothing matters but his dream
What really am I
And what is the world
If reality is so mindless
And fantasy so far
How can I reach a balance
Where we completely know the other
And all we have is our paradise

If such serenity exists
I want it
Because if this isn’t real, that which is
Would be heaven
And if there’s a way to go there
I’ll do my best
I want everything to come together
Like two becoming one

Something I just wrote, inspired by a certain person that I don’t know what I’d do without:

More Than Words

My knight in shining armor
That rare shooting star
Light at the end of the tunnel
Which keeps me alive
Through rain and snow
The sunniest of days
All coldness has vanished
My happiest moments are in his reach
And when we lay side by side
Sharing a dream
It all seems unreal
I’d do anything to stay
‘Cause it’s the only way
The only person
And in forever
We’ll still be here

Some 9/11 poems I got that I liked:

If I Knew

If I knew it would be the last time
That I’d see you fall asleep
I would tuck you in more tightly
And pray the Lord, your soul to keep

If I knew it would be the last time
That I see you walk out the door
I would give you a hug and kiss
And call you back for one more

If I knew it would be the last time
I’d hear your voice lifted up in praise
I would videotape each action and word
So I could play them back day after day

If I knew it would be the last time
I could spare an extra minute
To stop and say “I love you”
Instead of assuming you would know I do

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day
Well I’m sure you’ll have so many more
So I can let just this one slip away

For surely there’s always tomorrow
To make up for an oversight
And we always get a second chance
To make everything just right

There will always be another day
To say “I love you”
And certainly there’s another chance
To say our “anything I can do?”

But just in case I might be wrong
And today is all I get
I’d like to say how much I love you
And I hope we never forget

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone
Young or old alike
And today may be the last chance
You get to hold your loved one tight

So if you’re waiting for tomorrow
Why not do it today
For if tomorrow never comes
You’ll surely regret the day

That you didn’t take extra time
For a smile, a hug, or a kiss
And you were too busy to grant someone
What turned out to be their one last wish

So hold your loved ones close today
And whisper in their ear
Tell them how much you love them
And that you’ll always hold them dear

Take time to say “I’m sorry”
“Please forgive me,” “thank you,” or “it’s okay”
And if tomorrow never comes
You’ll have no regrets about today

The Little Things

Too often we don’t realize
What we have until it is gone
Too often we wait too late to say
“I’m sorry — I was wrong”

Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones
We hold dearest to our hearts
And we allow foolish things
To tear our lives apart

Far too many times we let
Unimportant things into our minds
And then it’s usually too late
To see what made us blind

So be sure that you let people know
How much they mean to you
Take that time to say the words
Before your time is through

Be sure that you appreciate
Everything you’ve got
And be thankful for the little things in life
That mean a lot

And tomorrow’s Friday. Yay! Hopefully I have enough gas in my car to get to the Citgo station, hehe.

Man, today was another crazy day … guy-wise. First, Brad comes online and is really sad and tired, but “doesn’t know why,” and no matter what I say or do, he won’t tell me if there’s anything I can do to help him … much less talk about what’s wrong. And he knows I’m here if he needs to talk, etc., yet it’s like he doesn’t appreciate that or anything. I mean, I even told him that today, and was like “I just really care and hate seeing you depressed like this,” and he was like “okay, yeah, thanks”. And that was it … though he did say he was sorry for acting all weird, it’s still downgrading to me ’cause it’s like things are turning back to how they used to be — lack of communication being one of the main problems. And then — trying to comfort him — I say “*hugs* I miss you” … and he doesn’t answer, and then signs off without saying goodbye. And doesn’t get back on. WTF? I don’t get it … I’m really trying to help him and make him happy, but it seems like that’s not enough anymore. What exactly does he want me to do? Not talk to him or something?

And then with Neil, he was finally happy for all of today, and actually helped me with the Brad thing a little, but then suddenly when I get back on after study hall, he’s depressed again … something about not knowing what the future will bring, and being alone … which I can understand isn’t a day at the beach … but yeah. Maybe I try to help people too much. Is that it? I dunno … I like the feeling of knowing that I’ve made a difference in someone’s life, but I also don’t want it to backfire, you know? I hate never talking to Brad. He’s my freakin’ boyfriend, he’s going through a rough spot right now, and I’ve talked to Neil like 10 times more than him this week. Something about that isn’t 100% right … isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? I really wish there was something I could do Brad-wise, but I’m drawing a blank. I don’t even know if he wants me to help him. Everything is so fuzzy now … why can’t things be the way they were New Years Day … when I saw him for the first time in months, and we actually seriously talked about stuff? Like it mattered? But now that’s all come undone … my mind keeps noticing the little things that scream to be noticed and my heart tries to ignore them *sigh* Will things ever change? For good?

BTW … check out the original poem I’m reading for English tomorrow:

Blinded by the Light

Take my hand
Lead me through the web of life
Show me what you know and then
Step back to watch the light
Come burning through my hazel eyes
Shining steady strong
Illuminating miles and miles
Dancing to my song

Follow its path around the world
Through freezing frozen ice
Across the sandy dry deserts
And through the land of scythe
Into the depths of oceans blue
Racing through black space
Across the mountains of the world
And don’t forget my face

Now what you need to do is this
Just close your eyes and mind
And take your wisdom back inside
As well as me for all of time

Holy fuck … Neil likes me too much! Look at the poem he wrote me:

Let’s walk in the snow
I’ll put your hands to my face
As the snowflakes fall
Your body I will embrace
As night continues
The stars shine bright
Can you please hold me closer
Can you please hold me tight
I stare in your eyes
And talk to you the whole time
I suddenly realize
I wish you were mine
Though I feel gone and lost forever
A broken heart I still have
I would treat you the best
As if you were the best I ever had
You make me happy
You make me glad
I will be always with you
And you never make me sad

Plus, he’s writing me a song. Me. Not Brad, but some random guy I’ve never met that’s really nice. Holy crap, this is crazy … don’t get me wrong, he’s a great friend (is actually Justin’s friend too), but damn … he’s like perfect haha. But so is Brad. Umm … conflict! LOL. And woah, now he’s making himself a buddy icon with my name on it. All I can say is woah … nobody’s ever liked me this much! And earlier he was like, I’m sorry, but I love you. I was like umm … explain? But then he said sorry and it was just that he really liked me. So yeah, it’s all good. Man, it’s gonna be weird when we meet. Damn, haha.